Love on camera
by DreamedUp
Summary: Is there actually a way of engraving the beauty of the moment into eternity, or is it going to be rubbed out of my memory eventually? What do you think, Sasuke? NaruSasu


Hey hey, I'm back))) How's life, everyone?

Well, I have taken some time off since I've been working on this huge russian fanfic. I still work on it, but inspiration works in strange ways, so yeah, I can't finish my sixth chapter, but I spend loads of time writing this one story. I guess it's been asking me to write it for a while now, so, I hope you enjoy.

What really inspired me at first was a fanfic of a girl, a shortie, where she described a situation when Sasuke comes back home late and Naruto is all disappointed in him, because his boyfriend's been cheating on him. And well, I didn't like it, because it was plain and boring and short, but I thought, hey, what if I develop the idea.

At the time I really couldn't develop it though, but then suddenly there were fanfics on ItaNaru about them being actors and stuff. And the whole view on cinema was so hollywoodish, that I thought that I just have to demonstrate to the people the other side of it. I mean, really, do you think the sexiest and most interesting are always the actors? Actors aren't that good, really, expecially if they are like superstars earning money. Cameramen on the other hand... Of course, I'm not really a documental film person, I prefer the plot cinema, but the basic part that I've described here is the same. It's not what he shoots that is importnant, but what he feels while doing so.

**And for the record, documental films aren't always about animals running around - in the way I used it it's more like art-house cinema.**

Ok, shall we start then?

**Author**: AsyatheGreat  
**Fandom:** Naruto  
**Pairing**: NaruSasu  
**Rating:** T  
**Genre:** Romance/Hurt/Comfort  
**Disclaimer**: All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto  
**Summary**: Is there actually a way of engraving the beauty of the moment into eternity, or is it going to be rubbed out of my memory eventually? What do you think, Sasuke?  
**Warnings:** Sexual references, homosexual relationship.

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**Love in a camera

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_There is this word that you should never write down. Never pronounce unless it is absolutely necessary to say it. Unless it is felt. You can not feel it if it's written down on an emotionless piece of paper. That's what I believe._

_It's been a year and a half since we've talked. Never tried calling him although this pain in my chest never ceased, only dulled a little. Sasuke, I miss you._

_But I can not forgive you._

_Neither can you forgive yourself. And me._

_There is just too much standing in between us._

1. Denial.

I opened a window and the pink and orange rays of light touched my face. I could sense them tickling my sensitive skin, burning a little, hot, teasing. I smiled hard although Sasuke hadn't touched my face for a long time. He only told me he loved me.

But that meant nothing.

He apologised a lot and kissed me on the cheek, on the lips. I wanted to touch his eyelids and feel his eyes quivering underneath my fingers, I used to do it a lot and anger him, because he was vulnerable when I did that. The sense of power, that I may use a little too much force and I'll crush him, rid him of his light. But I guess I'm not powerful anymore.

Even though it is Sasuke who is asking for forgiveness.

We'll not work together anymore. That's fine. It's a good thing. Working together always ruins relationships and we want to maintain ours, that is why Sasuke has transferred for modelling business. He said that although it's not art in a way I understand it, sometimes art exists in commerce too. You can make a crappy photograph of a morning cup of coffee, he said, or you can make a magnificent one of a woman in an outfit, seemingly meaningless, seemingly oriented only to selling clothes, but in reality it's the real art.

I agree, after all, that's what Sasuke can do best. It's his art.

The morning air filled the room and I inhaled it. The smell of grass with little droplets of water (I can see them in detail, you could shoot those for hours, watching as they move, as the water dries out, as the shadow of the clouds moves over them), of a cold river nearby (master shot of a man, naked, his skin shining in the dawn, his muscles stretching as he moves in the water, his black hair wet and his face open for the camera to see, for me to see), of a birds' song (the most difficult shot, of the forest trees, you need to catch those birds singing, and they are shy, so shy, you need to be extra quiet, you need to listen carefully and see everything).

I turned to look at Sasuke. He was still sleeping. Our small bed looked disheveled and warm. And he was lying there with his peaceful face towards me, some strands of hair falling out from the rest and tickling his nose or forehead or lips. And the morning sun touching his arm and his back tenderly, so tenderly that suddenly I felt jealous, envious of the pink-orange rays of heat. I wanted to be the one caressing Sasuke's naked skin right now and burying my palm underneath the white sheets that cover his lower back and beautifully shaped…

But moreover I wanted to shoot him with my camera. No. Make a photograph, engrave this fleeting, passing moment of happiness in immortality, so that there would be a proof even in hundreds of thousands of years that it existed, that it wasn't just my imagination, that you can make something real forever, until everything in the world, on this planet burns down or drowns in the coldest of oceans.

I wanted to save this perfect moment, because it's oh so short, and I felt time running out, seeping through my hands, but I couldn't do anything.

No matter how hard you try, what new technologies you discover, you will never be able to portray a moment in its exact way. I have made so many different photos, shot so many different films in different ways, but I still couldn't… couldn't make it the way it is in reality, the way I saw Sasuke right now with my own eyes, sleeping in our bed, oblivious and vulnerable in such a way I wished, I prayed for him to sleep just a little more.

So no. Photographs, paintings, words wouldn't be able to tell you the beauty of the moment. They wouldn't make it eternal. There is nothing in this world that can make you immortal.

But soft… He moved and I saw his eyes shifting behind his eyelids. His breathing became louder and louder until he sighed and opened one eye slightly.

'You're…' I started, but couldn't finish. I couldn't find words to tell him what I saw in front of me, what I felt inside of me, what I wanted to share with him. I wished for the days words were easy to say out loud, when I didn't need to struggle them out of my mouth and then afterwards feel like after all they came out wrong, they came out meaningless.

I wanted Sasuke to feel how meaningful his presence was for me.

He remained silent. Just looking at me, watching as I shifted uncomfortably. The moment of perfection was ruined.

'Do you… want coffee? I was just going to make some for myself, so…' I whispered. It was so quiet I was scared to talk louder. It was still all sleepy around me, I could feel it, and loud sounds were painful to hear. Sasuke blinked and shifted.

'No, you stay here, I'll make it for both of us' he murmured back and got out of bed. I wanted to stop him, argue with him, but it felt too much. Too early.

Our last argument was two weeks ago and we still both felt like it wasn't over. Although we tried our hardest to just make this feeling go away.

I followed Sasuke to the kitchen down the hall.

We had a small apartment with most of it filled with our work-staff, cameras and tripods practically everywhere. And loads and loads of photographs. Mine and his on the floor in piles, on the walls instead of the wallpaper and some, particularly good, hung on the walls in the phrames. Not too many films though, since we couldn't really afford a projector to play my films over and over again, so that the flat wouldn't feel too much like a stilled image. That's what I like films for – they're moving, they're alive and acting, even if you just shoot a snail on its way home, trying to get through a pile of wet leaves.

Sasuke was standing there, cooking something. Boiling water. Making tea, although I knew he heard me saying I was going to make coffee. I used to get mad at him for that, I used to start calling him names and say out loud I want coffee not this stupid water with leaves, but that was before we both got mad two weeks ago.

Now I was just silent. Scared to break our vulnerable peace.

Although it was Sasuke who apologised, it still felt like he was the one watching me, examining me, as if it was me, who needed to be forgiven.

But that's alright, really. I'll get used to it, and the whole thing eventually will die away. There's really nothing I can do right now, but Sasuke will come around. I know it.

Why, you ask?

Heh, it's because I…

I need to do something, I feel suddenly as if I need to do something now, immediately, or he'll slip away, disappear, or will be hurt and broken, and I don't know what I'll do then.

So I come up to him and touch him. He froze in front of the stove and as I encircled him with my hands, hugged him from behind and enhaled the smell of his hair, then of his skin on his neck, not daring to kiss it just yet, he leant into me and closed his eyes.

'So much better to sleep in the bed than on the couch, isn't it, Naruto?'

'Yeah' I whispered into his shoulder and finally rose my head to kiss his cheek. Slowly, tenderly.

'I'm making pancakes. Your favourite' he informed me, although I could smell the delicious food.

'Stop apologising to me, Sasuke' I ask, plead of him. I can not take it anymore.

'I feel like I broke us' he told me quietly, seemingly indifferent.

'Sasuke…' I kissed his temple and wished that from this position I could touch his lips and close his eyes with my fingers and feel them fluttering behind the eyelids. 'It's fine, we're fine. Really. We're ok… Just stop already'

'It's my first day of work' he said.

'Yeah'

Work will do him good, will do _us_ good, I know that. We'll be in different places doing different things and that way our relationship won't crumble, Sasuke will feel better and that way we'll also have so much more to talk about, him about his new job, me… well, I'm not so sure.

I let go of him and went to sit by the table. I watched him. His tensed back, as he cooked more than needed of pancakes, not because he didn't want to face me, but just because he wanted to say sorry again. At least that's what was a better way to interpret his actions.

Everything was ok. We were just fine.

Sasuke would come around.

He put the plates on the table and sat on his favourite chair across from me. He took his knife and his fork and cut a small piece of the pancake. He brought it to his mouth.

And then he looked at the clock on the wall.

'Shit, Naruto, I'm gonna be late, I'm so sorry, but I really need to go!'

He gave up. That's what I thought as he hurried out of the room and a few minutes later, out of the apartment to his new job. He gave up.

I didn't want to think that, didn't want to think of the past two weeks I've spent sleeping on the couch, didn't want to think that he will not come back, not like he used to, or that I just loved our times working together and that now that it's over we're not the same anymore, that this new job is shit and it will just destroy us, I didn't… I didn't.

I didn't want to think about his words those two weeks ago, but now that I couldn't deny it anymore, I felt like there was no way we could go back to what we used to be, so I stayed still by the kitchen table with cold tea and some untouched pancakes, and his words echoed through my head.

_You're better than me… and I can't take it._

2. Summer time

You open your eyes as the flash of the camera disappears. And you smirk at me. This place, this summer-house is so warm and nice and calm, and time seems to stretch and stretch and stretch lazily as if it's a thick honey that is plunged into by a little spoon that got stuck in it. And we eat peaches. Ripe, golden peaches all day long. I laugh a lot and talk of everything that comes to my mind, because, Sasuke, I feel so free with you, I feel so… alive with you. I…

We're under some tree now and the sun's lazily shining through the branches and annoying you, so that you close your eyes and shield them as I come closer to kiss you.

This moment, _our_ moment should be shot on the camera, and I wonder where the hell is our fellow-cameraman, that would love to make this moment eternal for the two of us. I guess, Sasuke's thinking of the same thing, since he blindly searches for the photocamera, that I shot him with seconds ago, and just as blindly he makes a photo of us.

I break the kiss to look at what turned out and can't help laughing uncontrollably, since what I see is my nose and Sasuke's concentrated eye looking into the camera. He smiles at me too and I reach for the camera again, but he lunges onto me and kisses me ferociously, playfully, like some animal, that just wants to get attention all to itself.

And then he grinds his body with mine and I can feel his arousal, I feel his desire as our pelves rub against each other with animal-like grace. That's what I feel now at least.

It's as if we're not human anymore, we're not concerned with stupid stuff like politics or economy or even the fact that this is a friend's summer house, that we're supposed to start shooting in five minutes, or maybe fifteen, the only thing that is important is the beauty of our bodies, that erotic beauty, that has been driving me crazy for two months already, ever since I met him, met _you_, Sasuke. My Sasuke. There is absolutely nothing in this world that would be able to rip you away from my embrace at this very moment and I tell you so. And you whisper in my ear the three words that make me smile and then moan, as you grind harder, faster now.

'You know…' I whisper but you can't hear me clearly and you bring your ear closer to my mouth. I'm so tempted to lick it, to hear your moans, but I have to say this first. 'You know, you just said a word that you can never write down on paper'

You huff and want to pull away but I continue what I wanted to say.

'Because if you do, it won't mean anything. You can only say it, bring your feelings to your voice, so that I could hear it once and only wait for you to repeat it again, because Sasuke, if I read it, it stops meaning a thing, because I can read it again and again and again…'

'You stopped making sense' he smirks and licks my cheek and then he touches my stomach, touches me everywhere and I want this to last forever. I tell him that, and he promises me that it will.

3. Pieces

I came back from work tired and in anticipation of his annoyed huffs at how late I was and that dinner was getting cold and that my stupid work takes all our time together. But the door was locked.

So I had to look for the secret key that we keep somewhere here. But then I remembered:

"_Naruto, go make a safe-key for us"_

"_Huh? Why would we need it?"_

"_To open the door if one idiot forgets his keys at home"_

"_Hey! I'm not an idiot!"_

"_Then prove it to me and get a copy, to demonstrate thoughtful you are"_

"_Yeah, yeah, fine!"_

And I kind of… didn't do it. So that's why I had to wait for Sasuke to come home and open the door for me, but that was not what disappointed me. It was the fact that Sasuke wasn't there before me, that got me worried. Sasuke's job didn't take as much time, as mine did, so he was always home early and with something tasty to eat. What if he got into some sort of accident?

Ok, calm down. I needed to call him.

'Hello?'

'Sasuke! Thank God, where are you?'

'At work, why?'

'I thought you were…'

'I'm sorry, Naruto, I need to work. Will be late today, eat without me, when I get back I'll tell you everything, love you, bye'

And then he hung up.

I tried calling him again, but he turned his mobile off. He usually did that, when he had this inspiration and didn't want people to disturb him. I used to watch him work in that mode too. It was so magnifying, Sasuke with his camera, creating pieces of art. I was sceptical as to what kind of art he'd be able to create with fancy surreal models, and he didn't get his inspirations that often, but once he did, it was impossible to predict how long it would take.

So I had a choice of waiting for him here, or breaking into my own window, setting off the burglar alarm and practically creating a huge mess. Yeah, Sasuke would be so proud of me!

I could go to my friends' house, but then again, I really wanted to see Sasuke today and tell him about my day and listen about his now that he got me so intrigued. So I stayed. I looked at my watch for the first time in many hundreds of times to come and it said 10 pm.

When Sasuke got home it was 3 in the morning.

He looked at me, puzzled. His hair was ruffled and untidy, which seemed strange, but maybe he developped a new habit of messing his hair when he got frustrated, like I did. I heard lovers adopt those kinds of things from each other.

We hadn't had sex in a month though. Yeah, what kind of lovers is that?

And all my fault. I was working too much and got tired all the time, so Sasuke didn't press me about it, he said that sometimes it's a good thing to just appreciate each others' company and cuddle. Heh, I never thought he was the kind of person to generate such ideas, but that was a pleasant surprise.

"Naruto, why are you here?"

He looked at me tiredly – he worked so hard – and I wanted to touch him and kiss his cheek at that moment, to comfort him and get him to bed. But I couldn't do that for at least that one timy little reason:

"I sort of forgot the key at home"

"Sort of?" he sighed. I hate it when he sighes at me, at my clumsiness and stupidity. We're not perfect, right? He has his faults too, and I don't rub them in his face. So why would he do that to me?!

Annoying bastard!

"Yeah, well, I thought you would be home by that time, so what was the need to take a key?"

"Anyway, why didn't you use the emergency-key?"

Well…

"Because there's no emergency key."

Sasuke sighed again and I had this childish urge to just give up and leave. Forever. But that would have been stupid, immature and cowardice. I'm not like that. And I love him. Although at times like these a dramatic thought entered my mind: _Does he love me?_

But his face was shining in the light that entered from the kitchen window and we drank tea together in silence. That was our little romantic moment. I shut the stupid thought up in my brain and focused on the ways shadows were coating most of my lover's face, but those little light tones on the corner were so beautiful, as if Sasuke was painted and that side of him was a pure-white oil paint. It was such a shame I couldn't use anything to make this moment eternal.

"Why do you always stare at me like that, as if I'm some kind of a statue?"

Sasuke was irritated. Probably, because he was tired. I tried not to get riled up.

"Because I love to look at you and store the small details in my memory" I hoped that would make him feel more relaxed. He always secretly liked it when I confessed my admiration of him, although those were rare moments, since it's difficult to talk about my feelings.

"I hate it when you stare at me like that"

I wanted to look him in the eyes, because surely there was something wrong. Sasuke was either trying to pick up a fight or couldn't control something inside him.

Like that time when we fought and he changed a job.

But Sasuke wasn't looking at me. Instead he watched his hands as they caressed mindlessly the teacup.

"Sasuke…" Was it worth asking? We might just argue again and not speak to each other for several weeks. I didn't want that. "Let's go to sleep"

He sighed in disapointment. I hated it. Why was he doing that to me?

"Yeah. I'm tired like hell"

***

The weather was disturbing on different levels. Ok, maybe I was dramatising the whole thing, but seriously, it was freaking freezing and the snow was falling down so furiously that my face hurt. No, I really liked snow, really, but not when it practically tried to murder me with the wind as its accomplice.

Although it all really was beautiful here. The way the snowflakes glittered in the air as they fell on the ground made me think of Sasuke's skin. It was always very pale, and the first time I saw him I thought he was ill. By the way, he actually was ill, but thankfully got some colour when he got better. I wouldn't be that attracted to the corpse. Oh, how I wanted him back then! It seemed as though I became a teenager all over again. I even tried to write a poem, but thankfully, I never showed it to him, because it was so horrible, Sasuke would have never wanted to talk to me again.

Ouch! That wind hit me right in the face! Seriously, the weather was getting worse and worse and I couldn't even make photos because it was dark already.

So why would I be staying in this stupid park this late at night on the freezing weather like that?

Well…

Because if I returned to my apartment, it would be empty again.

I wished I hadn't denied Neji's invitation for coffee at his place now. It would have been nice. We would've talked about the stuff we've shot the other week, he'd tell me about the editing process. I would love to hear that.

After all I'm quite bad at storytelling and basically what I've shot Neji and the editing director – that strange Lee guy – needed to put in some special order or something, choose the best shots and create a story.

The wind hit my back hard and I hissed as my neck was enveloped in cold air. Yeah, talking to Neji would've been better.

But it would've been too crowded though. I wanted to be alone.

Sakura, my ex-girlfriend and a model in Sasuke's agency, came by yesterday, speaking of things I already knew and didn't believe. Instead I watched her pink lips and green eyes and thought about how it would feel to cheat on Sasuke. After all Sakura and I used to have great sex.

But I didn't want her now. It was as if ever since we've met with the Uchiha, he's been the only one I wanted, the only one I…

But it seemed, Sasuke was indulging himself in work quite a lot these past couple of months. He returned home late and tired. The last time I touched him was two weeks ago.

So no, I didn't want to come back home just yet, because Sasuke wouldn't be there, too busy working in that stupid agency. And Sakura's words…

They were false.

I wondered if my camera would catch anything other than occasional car lights in such darkness. It was eleven in the evening already. I wondered would I be able to catch this moment of snow-storm and wind and latedness with tiredness with stupid thoughts and false words on the tape.

It wouldn't matter if I froze and got a fever the next day. I wanted to shoot.

I put the tripod on the snow-covered ground and extended it so that the camera would be a little below my head. Yes, that's the angle I want it to be in.

The car-lights lit the road along with street-lamps, covering the ground with their orange light and I thought that it's a waste of tape, a waste of money and waste of time.

But what isn't?

***

"Naruto, what are these?"

"My tapes"

"I can see that, dumbass, they're all the same"

I entered the room with a bowl of popcorn and looked to where Sasuke sat by the screen and watched as some vague lights appeared and disappeared in the darkness.

It's been a month since I started shooting the streets at night with cars entering and leaving the frame. I watched Sasuke's bare stooped back, his vertebrae standing out quite clearly, as if his spine was some sort of railway, only with one rail and I wanted to touch it, to run my hand over it right from the back of his neck and down, down, down until I reached his loose pajama pants.

"Those are just trash shots that I did in my spare time"

Why was Sasuke rummaging through my tapes anyway? He hasn't been interested in my work for a while now. Over a year I think.

Even since he changed the job.

"You mean what you've been shooting every evening since last month?"

"So what d'you wanna watch?" I asked him with a smile plastered on my face. He looked back at me suspiciously but only took the bowl of popcorn and got to his seat on one of the sofas. We haven't been using the couch for a while.

"I don't care for cinema. Choose what you want"

I looked at him as he was popping the food in his mouth carelessly, rubbing his ankle with the palm of his hand, watching me absent-mindedly with his dark beautiful eyes and I wanted him to snap into attention, but not abruptly – softly and sensually.

"I thought we were going to watch a film" he said as I sat on his knees and caressed his cheek first with just a knuckle of my finger, then with my whole palm, slowly, tenderly. "Wasn't it your idea in the first place" he asked me again, unaffected and reluctant. Why was he?

"I want you" I told him and for a second he closed his eyes and I was scared he was going to push me away, because then I didn't know, I just didn't know what would happen, what I'd do, what I'd have left.

Just those tapes spoiled by the darkness and vague car-lights.

But he opened his eyes and I could see lust there in those two black lakes. He took my hand away from his face and brought it to his lips. He touched my palm with them carefully, never breaking the eye contact with me, then pushed his lips harder and bit softly on the skin. His tongue caressed my hand ever so lightly.

He opened his mouth and I could see his white teeth mostly covered by those pale-pink, beautiful lips. And then he took my finger and put it inside. I could feel it touching his tongue, before the lips closed on it and Sasuke sucked. I couldn't stop looking into his eyes. His tongue coated my finger with saliva, and I thought for a second that it would have been so perfect if there was a way to somehow engrave this moment into eternity.

To make this immortal.

To prove we existed like that… together.

But then I abandoned the thought as those lips mesmerized me, made me desire my beloved more than I could imagine. He answered me with ferocity and violent kisses.

I had him on the carpet. Somewhere during the sex his nails ripped the skin on my back.

When everything ended he stood up and went to the shower, leaving me alone.

I thought about the fact that even if he was cheating on me I would stay by his side until he throe me out. Until he stopped needing me.

Because if he hadn't broken up with me yet, and he really was cheating, then there was a reason why he did so, right?

Besides it would be of no use thinking about whether he cheated on me or not all the time. I'd rather not.

I took one of my wasted tapes and put it in the projector. The dark snowy street and car lights. That's what I've shot.

***

The light touched the walls softly at first but then quickly spreading over the red curtains, rich ceiling and walls and content faces. The people clapped and I congratulated Neji. He was the director after all.

It was finally over. From what he said, he and Lee got into some sort of argument over the editing and so had to redo the montage over and over again, along with the colouring and the rest. It lasted for months. As for me personally, I think what they've done with the rubbish I've shot was pretty good.

I left quite soon, saying something about a new project.

I lied.

I haven't been doing anything for four months already apart from those wasted tapes, but I abandoned them quite soon after the first month. Suddenly everything that I was doing, all that I was shooting seemed useless trash to me.

And the film too.

As I watched it I couldn't stop spotting all those little mistakes, unclear moments, wrong time for focus and too rash or too slow movement of the camera. I couldn't help being disappointed in myself. How could I ever think this was enough? How could Neji not see all the faults of my shots? Or maybe the long montage was because they couldn't find the shots good enough? I was that bad?

I failed.

I failed at doing a good job, at creating something beautiful, failed at making all those small moments between me and my beloved immortal, at making the things right from the beginning – when Sasuke left our job to work for modeling agency, failed at bringing the pieces together, at understanding my lover.

I thought about how overly-dramatic I sounded.

I'll come back home and talk to Sasuke.

Just talk about some stuff. He told me he would wait and cook some dinner. It was my premiere after all. He was wrong though. It wasn't mine. It was Neji's and Lee's, because I did a bad job.

Somewhere there not far from the road a river shined, as the sun hid more and more behind the trees on the horizon, painting the sky pink and purple and grey…

I wanted to shoot the small glisters on the golden water, I wanted to shoot the small clouds, the air around me, the feel of spring and life and love around me with a hint of melancholy – that little feeling of my own added to the big picture. But how could I do it?

How do you shoot a feeling?

I thought about killing myself. Drowning in the river. Putting a rock in my pocket to weight me down. How would it feel? Would I be able to shoot the feeling of death?

I shook my head. I was such a drama queen.

Sakura. She came yesterday again. She told me all about those girls Sasuke fucked. And the boys. That Karin whose pictures were really a piece of artwork, or Sai, with whom Sasuke spent days and nights working over some kind of a project, a serious one. Something about selling and commerce.

But I didn't listen and watched her lips instead. Her lips and eyes and hair. I could put her in the frame and with some correct lighting she would make a perfect scene on the tape. She would make a perfect lover. Too perfect for me. I wanted Sasuke. But did he want me?

"So… how was it?" he asked me quietly and hoarsely. I looked up from my meal and met with his determinedly blank gaze. And even through such a barrier I could sense jealousy seeping through.

"It was bad. I think the picture is saved only thanks to good montage and direction" I counted the meatballs on my plate.

Silence. I wanted to be the one to cut through it, to see the slices of it fall into the bowl of rice standing on the table, I always imagined that.

I would have loved shooting it on my camera.

I would have loved shooting on my camera that beautiful darkness of my lover's eyes that pulled me in the minute I first saw him. Those hands touching my face in the moments of our love-making, those strands of black hair falling into his face as he moans in pleasure, that mouth that envelops my fingers…

But I wouldn't be able to do it.

"Stop feeling sorry for me and tell me the truth. You don't need to hide your successes just to make me feel better"

It was said with such irritation, such malice and hatred that I wanted to scream from the pain of realizing it was all directed at me. I wanted to hurt him in return. I wanted to hurt him for hurting me for such a long, long time, that I lost confidence in myself, lost my talent, I lost everything just to keep Sasuke.

"Well, of course, because all those whores on your job make you feel better without my help, right?"

I watched as his face became grim and alarmed and for some reason there was no satisfaction. I couldn't feel it in me to be pleased with the fact I finally crashed through his barrier he's built between us. I only felt more pain and helplessness.

"What in the world are you talking about?"

"Please" I said irritated and tired. Why was I tired so suddenly? "I've seen all the signs there ever since you started coming back home late at night, and I just don't feel up to ignoring them anymore"

There was a long tensed moment when I waited for his response.

Absent-mindedly I noticed the way his hair got the slightest tint of blue in the light of the dull lamp that stood in the corner of the living room and how the light of the candles shivering for some reason painted his face and another side of hair brownish. I desperately needed a camera. I felt as if this was the last time I would see such a phenomenon on my lover's body.

But Sasuke was too silent.

"What next?" he asked finally and that made me want to hit him in the face. I don't know why.

"Next?" I took a moment to clear my suddenly hoarse throat and to think. "Next I'll give you some time… a week to decide whom do you want to stay with. And then… well, it'll depend on you what will happen then"

Sasuke was silent. I searched for a reaction, searched for an answer on his face but it was blank.

So I went to our room, packed some clothes and took money – all carefully, quietly and almost calmly. My hands almost didn't tremble and my breath almost didn't hitch every once in a while.

And then I quietly exited our apartment as Sasuke still sat in the living room.

His beautiful hair was entangled in fingers. The palms hiding his face.

4. That day.

"… so from now on we'll have an additional cameraman, Naruto Uzumaki"

I wave grinning sheepishly, as I always do when I feel people considering my worth. There's a woman with glasses and pale-grey eyes standing by the camera. She's probably my new director's sister. There's the director himself near her, telling her something about the angle. He has long hair and glances at me from time to time with an expression on his face clearly telling me that he's far from confident in my talent. There's also a man with brown hair and green headphones. He's probably responsible for sound. I think his name is Kiba.

There's also a photographer there.

He's pale. Too pale. And he's got black hair and dark eyes. He's looking straight at me with some kind of determination and I can't stop thinking about how this is the first person I've ever wanted to shoot on my camera just standing there. I'm more of a landscape man. Usually I have people in the frame for some purpose: they're doing something important. But it's fine if there aren't any people at all – we're shooting documentary films. They're not meant to be entertaining.

But this man… Standing there… his photocamera in his hands…

And staring at me. I can't look away no matter how hard I try.

"So…" I say to him but I don't know what to talk about.

"You really that good as they say you are?" he asks me finally and I feel there's a double meaning in his words as he smirks mysteriously at me.

A smile tugs at my mouth, a sly smile and I let it appear on my face. It feels as if I'm a predator now and I want to tell that to this man for some reason. But instead I say:

"There's only one way to find out"

He looks at me for a second and then suddenly aims his camera at me and then I'm blinded with the flash.

"Sasuke Uchiha" he tells me and extends his hand. I gladly take it.

"A pleasure"

5. Fairy-tale ending

"So have you decided" I asked him yesterday over the telephone.

"Yes" he answered me.

He let me have the apartment, but what was the point, if he took away all of the photos? There were none scattered around the living room, none on the bedside table, none hanging around on the strings that I spent the whole day once sticking with him to the ceiling. No photos. Apart from those on the walls – of him and me. Those were the only ones he left, since mostly they were the ones I made.

What was there in that apartment full of memories on the walls?

He had said "I'm sorry", but really, it's me who should have been apologizing. Because it's my own stupidity that destroyed us. I shouldn't have said I knew anything in the first place a week ago. No. I shouldn't have said it.

And there were the photos on the walls of our happy days.

He didn't take them. He didn't need them.

He didn't want to remember…

He had said "I can't" and I could've killed him right then and there, but he was on the other side of the city, so I just stood there, silent.

Sasuke understood. After some time he just ended the call.

I listened to the rings. I thought that I was glad it happened over the phone. Like that I didn't need to hide my tears from Sasuke.

In the room stood the projector. It was old – that's the only reason we managed to buy it in the first place. Beside it there were all of my tapes ever shot. Sasuke sorted them chronologically. As if apologizing over and over again.

Or was he thinking about choosing me over whomever he fucked this time? Was he thinking, we would be still together, I would come back home and he would need to apologize, he would need to constantly try making things right between us? Was he thinking about all the months we wouldn't be able to interact normally, to talk without an internal struggle, without this wall between us?

Because if he was, it hurt even more that he decided to not fight for us.

The last tapes I've shot were those of the view from the living room window on the streets at night. That was a month ago, when Sasuke would come back home late occasionally, not as often as he came home early, like he used to. I figured he got bored of the lover he had this time.

I couldn't sleep at those times.

I put the tape in the projector and turned the lights off. The room filled with the soundless images.

It's going to be a long long life.

6. That word you should never write on paper

_There is this word that you should never write down. Never pronounce unless it is absolutely necessary to say it. Unless it is felt. You can not feel it if it's written down on an emotionless piece of paper. That's what I believe._

_It's been two years, Sasuke._

_It's been two years and the pain went away. It went away and the only thing left was longing._

_I want to see you._

_Please._

"Ready for the next shot, Naruto?"

It's Neji. He's telling me about the idea and how he wants it done. The times when he doubted my talent are long gone and now he can't be happy enough to have me as his cameraman. It's funny though, there was a time when I thought all I did was crap, I think it was when me and Sasuke broke up, and when I finally told Neji why I don't want to participate in his new project, he laughed and said that all geniuses are so sensitive and insecure.

I felt better then. I'm glad I have such a good friend as him.

"Sure thing"

Today is a great day. I can feel it although it's still 6 in the morning and the sun is rising. I love this time of day, even though I need to wake up extremely early and use a special and really troublesome lens, because the normal one wouldn't be able to shoot the sun properly, and can even damage the camera.

I love the way the ball of orange flame emerges from the horizon, painting the sky in pink-yellow-blue colours, giving the ground some tint, a special one you can not name, and not just the tint but more an air, the unique one, of calmness and optimism. The air of perfect beauty.

I won't be able to shoot it the way it really is. No. But there is something more important about the shot.

And I love the way it's quiet now, even as half-asleep people are murmuring something, or saying it unusually loud for my ears, eating and drinking coffee or tea, I love the smell of dampness of the forest that lies nearby and the clothes people are wearing – something old and grey, so that they would be warm in, but what is not going to be ruined by dirt.

At this exact moment, when the shooting hasn't started yet and people aren't awake enough to start working properly, and as I change the lens and talk to Neji at the same time, I realize that I love this world.

No matter what.

No matter how hard it gets.

No matter how much I've suffered.

This life… I just…

"I've got an announcement to make" Neji says suddenly as the car appears on the horizon.

I think I've heard this already. Déjà vu?

"Yesterday night there was an unexpected visitor at my doorstep"

What is he talking about?!

"I was glad, of course, to see him, but I wish he'd chosen a better time than two in the morning"

I listen to Neji, but his words don't make sense. I do not understand what is going on and why do I feel like as if this has happened already. But to me… Not this… unexpected visitor?

"Well, we talked over some tea and I couldn't refuse him"

People are laughing it seems, but I do not understand, I think there's something wrong.

Or is it finally right?

"So starting today…" the car pulled up to our own cars and somebody started opening the door. "…we'll have a new co-worker, guys…" I saw a hand of the person and my breath hitched. "Meet our new… and old… photographer – Sasuke Uchiha"

I look at him, slightly paler than I remember, but I think he's got a cold, he looks ill and his nose is red a little, but his hair is still just the way it used to be, geez, even I grew it up a bit, and his eyes are shining with excitement. The one only I can see, because I know him so much better than anybody else.

Sasuke…

You're back…

He spots me and I can feel his tension, his insecurity, although he doesn't show it. He has his hands in his pockets and his camera hanging on his neck. He nods to me and goes to stand away from the crowd of questioning people. They bug him for a while though, but then leave, as the preparations for shooting start.

I stay.

He stands near a brown-grey tree with a bit of green on the rind and stares at the pink sky.

I come closer to him and he flinches as he sees my hand reaching out to him. But I smile a bit playfully and proceed.

I take his camera off him as he looks at me with questioning eyes and then I make a photo of him. His dark eyes shine with the colours of the sky on the background.

"I…" he starts, but stops himself and looks away.

"Yep, you're an idiot" I laugh and he's too shocked to answer, retort with some comeback. "But it's ok now" I say, "because you're here"

"I'm sorry" he tells me with his profile to me. He can't bring himself to look me in the eye and I realize he can not forgive himself.

"We'll talk later, right?" I ask him. "Over the cup of coffee in that café that I like"

He turns to me hesitantly and nods. I smile hard, I can feel my lips starting to hurt already, but I can't really stop. I'm happy. I turn around, Neji has called everyone to get ready for the shooting.

"I was jealous" I hear behind me. I turn back to my ex-lover and he still has his hands in his pockets and face towards the scenery, not at me. "You know… I thought… you're such a great artist, your work is full of beauty and life and mine… well… I could never make it the way I wanted it to be"

He lowers his head now, searching something on the ground it would seem and I feel light and strangely happy.

"And I… I thought that we're not equals… and… well, soon enough you'd realize that and be disappointed in me and then… it felt like… I was jealous and I wanted to make you jealous too"

He finishes speaking and finally looks at me. Stupid Sasuke. Foolish and childish.

"You idiot" I say without malice. He's surprised and I laugh. "Do you think when I look at my own work I think it's the way I originally wanted it to look like? Or that I could make it look the way it is in reality? Of course not, and guess what? I thought my own work so much inferior to yours at times too. Just because people are insecure. You can't really represent the beauty of this world, Sasuke, the way it is, but the way you feel it, and sometimes your hands know it better than you yourself"

He looks shocked and unblinking towards me and I feel like laughing again. It's too good, to funny and too light to be here right now at this moment, relieved. Neji calls for people to gather, but I think we can be late this time, as I come closer to Sasuke and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Did you know there is a word, or better a phrase, that you should never write on paper?"

He's puzzled and I lean in closer to his ear, hoping to be able to lick it soon, but not now, not now because I need to say something important to him. So I whisper the three words I will not write down, never, never for him, because for Sasuke it is felt and unneeded to be written down. I'll tell him that, from now on I shall repeat to him these words over and over again until the world erases the memory of the two of us.

His lips are trembling as he pronounces the three words back and I'm happy. I'm so happy, because I can feel them on my cheek, on my ear, and inside of me – in my heart.

We'll talk over the coffee later.

We will.

It's such an amazing day today, that I can not stop smiling.

**The end.

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